Have you ever stopped and thought to yourself, "This is not what I ordered. I specifically asked for a problem-free, blissful life." If only it could be that simple. To wake each morning, call out your order, and go about your day knowing what is to come. I think it's safe to say, none of us would ask for a hearty helping of trials and complications...at least not the majority of us :) Instead, we each get to arise each morning, make the mental choice to go forward with a good attitude and then take whatever is thrown at us and hope for the best. I like to think there have been many times I've succeeded and not let a rotten day get the better of me, but then again, there have been MANY times when I have bombed completely. And let me tell ya, I bring the art of failing to a whole new level!
If any of you out there are like me, when you come upon these "failed" moments, you take a trip down memory lane and dredge up past failed memories to dwell upon. Why I choose to inflict myself of this bizarre sense of torture I do not know, but I can't seem to help but do it. Upon realizing my twisted ritual, I decided that I needed to learn more about myself and why I do this and low and behold, I may just be at the beginning of understanding!!!
Here's what I've learned: Life and experiences change who we are. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. How it changes or molds us is to be determined by each of us individually. In my opinion, my changes have not all been for the good. In reading a letter the other night that was given to me years ago from my mother, I couldn't help but be envious of the person I use to be. She described me as quiet, quick to laugh and always able to find the joy in life. What I appreciated the most was when she said she admired my ability to be a peacemaker. This is when the side of melancholy kicked in, for I realized that the term "peacemaker" is not an adjective that is used in conjunction with me anymore. How was this possible? Could life have changed me this much???
I immediately put the letter away and climbed into bed to be left alone with my thoughts...which to be honest, were not comforting. I was quick to jump to my defense and use trials and poor experiences as my excuse. But that didn't last for long as I thought of the words spoken by the Lord to the Prophet Joseph Smith, "Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7) I had clearly not let my trials work for my good. If anything, I had done exactly what the adversary had wanted. I let fear, self-doubt and callused feelings take control. If life is not what I had ordered, I only have one person to blame.
Although I can not go back and change the last few years, I can begin now to get back a little of who and what I lost. The most beautiful part is that I won't be doing it alone and can take the stronger woman that I am now and blend her with the compassionate person I use to be. I'm learning that having compassion and a tender heart are not weak attributes. Something that I tried so hard to distance myself from, are some of the things I realize I need and want the most. How fortunate we are to have the continual blessing of life's teachings. I will not regret who I have become but learn from this person and begin to develop myself into who I want to be.
How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who knows us each so well and individually that He gives us challenges tailored specifically for us. I thank Him for the opportunity to take each new day and try a little harder to become the woman I should be and for the humbling moments that keep me working!!!
